Porn-Hawk.com Dirty Funny Adult Jokes

Good laughs in form of dirty humor here at Porn-Hawk.com Dirty Jokes. Jokes are taken from variety of websites and posted here for your amusement. Each day we sill post (or almost every day..) a dirty joke to index page to keep you guys and gal laughing and wanking. *he he*

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- Type of Orgasms
- Dirty Mind Test
- The Funny Dogs World
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NEW! Cool, funny and sexy Flash Videos are here!
- The Kissing Test - A girls get tricked at adutition and, well.. see the video!
- Sexy Eufrat slideshow - A Babe from Super Glam shows in here

03/10/2007 - Computer nerds = Will GET porn!

Computer Club?
Who started the first computer club?
Eve, she had an apple in one hand and a Wang in the other


Printer problems:
A woman called the Printer helpdesk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Sorry if your name is Harry:
What do you get when you cross a computer with an ape?
A Harry (hairy) reasoner.

21/09/2007 - American Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

08/04/2007 - Sex with Turkey style

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"What the fuck is Turkey style? I've heard of doggy style, but what in the world is turkey style?" he asked.

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

06/21/2007 - Feeling like a Lady?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

05/21/2007 - Bigger Business

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

03/03/2007 - Before sex & after sex
A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Umh, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

03/02/2007 - In the doctor
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
 

01/09/2007 - Nasty wife
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

12/02/2006 - Some adult terms.  ;-)

WANKY PANKY
- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
RUBBER FLUBBER
- sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY
- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE
- oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE
- doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER
- oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE
- oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE
- the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

11/22/2006 - Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

09/23/2006 - Shopping..
Upon returning to her car from a shopping spree, one of a group of young ladies realizes that she has forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.

She rushes into the nearest pharmacy and gives her prescription to the pharmacist.

"I'd appreciate it very much if you could fill this immediately," she says." I've got people waiting in my car!"

06/04/2006 - Ladies' Club
My friends and I went to a ladies' night club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,
so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked $20 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.
In attempt to impress the rest of us, my second friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Dancer starter flirt on me. Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do??
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

03/23/2006 - Lady with a big tits
After traveling a few blocks, Miss Big tits realized she had no money and, immediately informed the driver.

"You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied.

"This bra is only worth five dollars."

02/23/2006 - Chapped lips..
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does.
"Why don't you ever have chapped lips?" asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - just watch..." John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill asks,  "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

02/19/2006 - In the Local Bar

There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!

11/29/2005 - Girl in the bar

A guy walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

10/31/2005 - Little Johnny joke..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

10/24/2005 - Tooth pain

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says, "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says, "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair".

10/19/2005
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68, because 69 means you have to turn around.

10/17/2005 - This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the *******.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*** himself and he did.
Day 16
The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

10/13/2005 - The end of a date

At the door of her house, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You want to see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the doorway, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?"

10/11/2005 - Court rooms can be fun

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. Ok.. and what kind of treatment you think you will get in the prison if you don't stop playing around.
A. Oral

10/09/2005 - Ancient Pools

3 Archaeologists: a German, a Russian and an American were digging in a cave in Greece.  Soon after they discovered a secret bath.  In it, there were 3 very large pools!  Above there was a sign in ancient Greek.  The archaeologists translated the sign.  It reads "Here are the last 3 magical pools given by the gods, anyone who wishes for what they desire may say it before jumping to the pool to turn that pool to what they desire";

The German immediately stripped off his clothes and ran towards the pool, as he jumped he shouted "MONEY"!!  And before he reached the pool everything turned into cash. 

The other 2 guys were shocked and amazed so the Russian decided to give a try, "VODKA"; and the whole pool turned into vodka.  and he was satisfied.

The American however was thinking a very different wish, one that might benefit him a lot, he stripped off his clothes and ran towards the last pool, as he slipped and said "OH SHIT!!!!";.

Moral of this story: Think twice before you speak!!

10/06/2005 - Sneakers

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to make love with you."

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"

10/02/2005 - Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

10/02/2005 - Nuns and Oysters

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts."

She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"

"No. The kind you rock on a crack."

09/29/2005 - Cheap fuck

A man dashes into the local porno store and says to the clerk, hey I only have $10, but I really need to get off!

The clerk takes the $10 and says: "go to the blue door"

The man goes in, and the only thing he sees is a chicken. At first he hesitates, but being so horny he just screws the chicken like crazy.

The next week he comes back. Being so embarrassed he wears a hat and sunglasses to mask his appearance.

He goes to the clerk and says: "hey, I've only got $5, what can I do?"

The clerk tells him to go to the red door. Inside there are a bunch of people sitting in chairs watching a man screw a sheep.

The man sneers in disgust and says: "this is really nasty!"

Another viewer turns around and says: "You think this is bad, you should have seen the guy last week screwing a chicken!"

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

09/28/2005 - A good health plan..

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

09/27/2005 - Old beach joke

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

09/24/2005 - Lesbian jokes

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

09/23/2005 - Bad pick-up lines

GUY: I know how to please a woman.
GAL: Then please leave me alone.

GUY: I want to give myself to you.
GAL: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

GUY: May I see you pretty soon?
GAL: Don't you think I'm pretty now?

GUY: Your hair color is fabulous.
GAL: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

GUY: You look like a dream.
GAL: Go back to sleep.

09/22/2005 - Car crash

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

09/21/2005 - Did you know?

Did you know that comedians are just clowns trying to look like a real people?

Usually Italian comedians are dead clowns.

Where the world biggest Rats are?
Buried to your backyard.

10 Russians with tank, machine gun and grenades equal to, what?
One pissed off Finn with mora knife.

Did you know why people have so much pussies as pet?
Well, who wouldn't like pussy??

Did you know you can hit that "Add to Favorites" button now, and it won't hurt you at all. ;-)

09/20/2005 - Pregnant lady in bus

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

09/19/2005 - King and secretary

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardizing the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realizing that she was down to her last defense, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfill this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

09/17/2005 - Two old ladies

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

09/16/2005 - Getting older

Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well," replied Charlie, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

09/15/2005 - SNOW IN JUNE

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

09/13/2005 - Why are men happier people?

We never worry about CUP sizes. Though we develop them when we are forty five.
Body hair is sexy.
If our slip shows, it's even more sexy
We spend 2 minutes flat - be it buying a card or a T-shirt
We, thankfully, never have to wear heels
Washing hair is not an hourly exercise
We never have to tweak our eyebrows and lather ourselves with the most hideous concoctions
Interior decoration is not cardiac surgery
We can say 'F***' and make it happen

09/12/2005 - Trust no Midgets

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.

Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

09/09/2005 - Blonde jokes

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck.

09/08/2005 - Pianist

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

09/07/2005 - Changing sex

A guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to a very famous surgeon and has the whole thing done.
A few weeks after the surgery he is the centre of attraction at a party thrown by his old buddies and they are all anxious to know about the surgery..
One of them said, "It must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts."
The young lady replied "Not really, I hardly felt it."
"Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!"
"Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brains."

09/06/2005 - Blonde joke

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

09/05/2005 - Dentist joke

After a difficult day seeing patients, most of whom had been children, the dentist's biggest challenge had been getting those little mouths to stay open. To his delight, his last patient was an adult. "Welcome," he told her as he began the examination. "It's so nice to work on someone with a big mouth."

09/04/2005 - Little Red Riding Hoe fucking funny adult jokes

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.
One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!"

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."

09/03/2005 - Married couple

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll
go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about
it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock
every night -- whether you're here or not."

09/01/2005 - Smoking Warnings

Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
: Smoke rises, but you may not.
: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

08/31/2005 - Nuns

"Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.

The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica.

The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

08/30/2005 - Coma patient

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck.

08/29/2005 - Bar time

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

08/28/2005 - Monkey Implant

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor, who gave him a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he said, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The nurse said, "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

08/26/2005 - Firm up - adult humor, adult jokes

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

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