Porn-Hawk.com Dirty Jokes Archives Page 2

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08/25/2005 - Woman Buying a Dildo

Lady said; "I need something special, not that standard rubber dildo".

"I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." Sales man said and took old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store.

The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

08/24/2005 - Lucky Triplets, adult jokes

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

08/23/2005 - Sex position - Rodeo

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all
fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean
forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

08/22/2005 - Only bed when..

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. "Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best friend. "Amy," she said, "Bill doesn't know it yet, but the only time I'm putting out is when I want to get pregnant."

At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with some consternation, "I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?" he asked.

"Why get mad?" answered Bill. "She'll never know I've had a vasectomy!"

08/21/2005 - Medium Dick
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

08/20/2005 - Viagra

John accidentally got itching on his inner part of the thigh, he went to chemist for medicine.
Chemist suggested him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD CREAM.
John asked to chemist, "ITCHGUARD is Ok but why Viagra ? "
Chemist said "Coz when u sleep it will keep the blanket up".

08/19/2005 - Wonderful frog

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"
The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here."

08/18/2005 - Pay back is a bitch

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

08/17/2005 - Indian Fucker

-A Sardar was hurry fucking a girl in a car!
A policeman came and asked the Sardar what r u doing?
-Sardar said i am fucking a girl
The policeman said now its my turn,
-The Sardar said i have never fucked a policeman?

08/16/2005 - Bigger Tits

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?"

- Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make them larger!"
       - How!?!?!?" she asks.
- Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs."
        - Well how long does it take?" she asks.
- They should expand over the years," he answers.
        - How did you know that?" she wonders.
- I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?"

08/15/2005 - American wrestler vs. Russian wrestler

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

08/13/2005 - COMMENTS FROM SOUTH

Exclamations:
- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:
- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
- "This'll jar your preserves."
- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:
- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
- "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:
- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:
- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:
- "She's uglier than homemade soap."
- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
- Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

08/12/2005 - Bar joke..

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

08/11/2005 - Adam and Eve

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

08/10/2005 - Prostitute joke

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave
the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back
out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the
first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two
were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much
did she charge you?" ask the first two. $20 dollars replies the third. The first
two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so
stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!!

08/09/2005 - Skiing Trip

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have intercourse with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

08/08/2005 - Charlie The Chimp
See the pics for this date also, I swear - it's funny. :)

08/07/2005 - Pain..
See the pics for this date, I mean you have to see this it's so fucking funny! :o)

08/06/2005 - Politics..

What is the difference between a Professional Athlete and a Politician?
- A Professional Athlete robs you and claims it is entertainment. A politician just plain robs you.

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?
- They both have Kurds in their way.

Do you know what Ted Kennedy has that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
A dead girl friend.

08/05/2005 - Wifes and Girl Friends

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened
by the time she brings it.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
her.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to
support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When
she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the
oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up
long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least
he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

08/01/2005 - Life is life...
See the Funny Pics for this day!

08/01/2005 - Facts of Life adult joke
A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.
S: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

07/31/2005 - A Bad Day adult joke
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. and he stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: " I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

07/30/2005 - Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that is would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

- Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
- God replied, "An arm and a leg."
- Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history...

07/29/2005 - Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

07/11/2005 - Been Messin' With The Waitress adult joke
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"

07/08/2005 - Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

07/04/2005 - Coming Home Late adult joke
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

07/03/2005 - The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

07/01/2005 - Gold Medalist adult joke
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

06/29/2005 - Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

06/27/2005 - Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

06/26/2005 - Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

06/24/2005 - Revenge Is Sweet adult joke
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

06/23/2005 - An Hour of Pleasure
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

06/22/2005 - Genius Boyfriend
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

06/21/2005 - A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

06/20/2005 - The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

06/19/2005 - First time
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.