Porn-Hawk.com Dirty Jokes Archives Page 3

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06/18/2005 - The frog
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

06/17/2005 - Little Johnny
In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents.

Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it."

Cow
Little Johnny comes home with two black eyes one day and his Dad asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said Little Johnny. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my girlfriend when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was her golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?"
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to her, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

06/16/2005 - Examination
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

06/15/2005 - Grandpa and Cookies, nasty dirty adul joke
One day, a little boy goes over to his grandparents house and is sitting out on the porch with his grandfather. Grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy asks if he can have a sip. "can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the grandpa. He says no, so the grandpa says "well, then you aren't old enough yet to drink beer". The little boy goes back to his grandparents house about a week later and is again sitting on the porch with grandpa, and again asks if he can have a sip of grandpa's beer. "Can your dick touch your asshole yet?" He says it still cant, so Grandpa say "Sorry, but you're still not old enough yet"

The little boy goes inside where grandma gives him a plate of fresh cookies. He goes back outside and Grandpa asks him if he can have one. "Can YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole, Grandpa?" "Sure can" says Grandpa. "Well good for you, then go fuck yourself, cuz these are my cookies"

06/14/2005 - Great Writer , it's funny
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

06/13/2005 - Naughty Whales
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

06/12/2005 - Who is God?.. Nasty and dirty humour
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

And here's something to thought..
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
- Why do scientist call it "re"search when they are looking for something new?

06/11/2005 - Fart Johnny
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class today's word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."
- The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
- The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
- OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
- The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just shit my pants!!!"

06/10/2005 - Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

06/09/2005 - Smartest people
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

06/08/2005 - Sexual harassment, free funny adult joke

This lady named Kate works in a office. Everyday one of her co-workers comes up to her and says um your hair smells so good. He does this for about 2 weeks. So finally she goes to her boss and says I am filling a sexual harassment form on one of my co-workers. The boss said why? The lady said because everyday he comes up to me and says um your hair smells good. The boss said what is wrong with that? Kate said well ,that co-worker is a midget.

06/07/2005 -Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

06/06/2005 - Worse...
A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've got the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

06/05/2005 - Short lines
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

06/04/2005 - Ok folks! It's Saturday and many are heading to town. So you need to know how to defend your babe.

Let's go it with step-by-step. Technique is called as...

"The Mighty Brown Dragon"

Explanation:
Extremely effective but rarely used technique to defend yourself without hurting attacker or yourself. (Can cause serious mental trauma to both, tho)

1.) When confronted with a self defense situation let out a high pitched, high volume scream, and wet yourself.

2.) Then turn to run away and let go with a #2 with highest pressure you can ever push. With disturbing noise of course! (if you only made *phiff*sound - you're in trouble)

Training your skills:
What you do anyways - fart fart and fart.

06/03/2005 - Dirty Hippie and dirtier....
A hippie hops onto a bus and see's a Nun. He says to the nun "Will you have Sex with me?" The nun immediately declines and hops off at the next stop. The hippy trys to follow her but is stopped by the bus driver (male). He says to the hippy "I know how you can get her to have sex with you!!!" The hippy anxously listens. "Every Tuesday the nun goes to the cemetry to prey. All you have to do is go there and pretend to be god and demand her to have sex with you." The hippy thinks this is a great idea and does so.

He went to the cemetry dressed in robes and waited for the nun. He saw her coming up the path so he hid behind a tree and listened. When she was in the middle of her prayer he jumped out from behind the tree and said "I am god. I demand you to have sex with me." the nun hesitated but agreed only on the condition that they ave anal sex because she did not want to lose her virginity. The hippy agreed and they got on with things. When they had finished the hippy jumped off and screamed " HA HA... I'M THE HIPPY" and the nun jumped up and sed " HA HA.. I'M THE BUS DRIVER."

06/02/2005 - Is was a funny picture day! See that funky toilet paper roll here and try it out with your friends! he he..

06/01/2005 - Kings Daughter ..old but still funny.
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!

Beer vs. Pussy - funny adult joke

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

The Top 18 Prank Phone Calls by Animals

18. Goldfish: "911! Help! I'm drowning! Help! HELP!!! Oh, wait -- I'm a fish! Never mind."
17. Dog: "Hello, can I speak to Mr. I.P. Onnarug?"
16. Dog: "[*heavy panting*] Could you put the phone up to your butt for a minute?"
15. Beaver: "Hello, Ms. Stone? Close your legs, for cryin' out loud! You're giving my kind a bad name!"
14. Dog: "Can you page Miss Legtohump, first name Anita?"
13. Pig: "Your order is ready, Rabbi Lipshitz."
12. Dog: "My name is Humphrey Quentley. Is the bitch of the house in?"
11. Iguana: "Roy Scheider? This is Liz... Liz Erd. I want my neck back!"
10. Dog: "Hello, Twin Dragons restaurant? EAT ME!!"
9. Mink: "Could I speak to the lost and found? I think I left my coat."
8. Dog: "Is your refrigerator running? Well you better-- Hey, a squirrel!"
7. Cat: "That wasn't really Almond Roca I sent you."
6. Donkey: "Is 'U.R. Ugly' there? ... Why, yes, I *am* an ass."
5. Dog: "Is there a Hugh Jefirehydrant there?"
4. Squirrel: "I'd like to speak to Holden... Holden Manuts."
3. Lamb: "911? Please send an ambulance! My sister is bleating from her mouth!"
2. Dog: "I am the Viper.... I am the Viper... I vill vipe my butt on your vall-to-vall carpet!"
1. Sperm whale: "May I speak to Ms. Lewinsky, please?"

05/31/2005 - College student from Sweden
At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

05/30/2005 - Very, very bad example
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

05/29/2005 - Joker had a bad bad hangover.
So no joke today.

05/28/2005 - The Big 'types of poopies' list Dirty dirty adult joke
GHOST POOPIE:  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE:  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE:  This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE:  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:  The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE:  It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE:  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE:  Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE:  The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE:  That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump):  The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE:  This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it.  You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE:  You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

05/27/2005 - Janitor The Priest
A priest was hearing confession on a busy Sunday morning, and after a while he really needed to go to the bathroom. Looking out his door and seeing the long line of people waiting, he knew he couldnt just leave the people standing there, when he saw the janitor walk by.

"Hey Jim", the priest said, "come in here and hear these confessions for me while I go to the bathroom. Here is a list of all the sins and penance, just flip through to find the person's sin and give them the penance that corresponds with it."

So the janitor took the list and went into the confessional. The first man came in, sat down and said "Bless me father for I have sinned.... i cheated on my taxes and lied to my boss." so the janitor looked through the list, found lying and cheating, and said to the man,"Give me 2 Hail Marys and an Our Father." the man got up and left.

The next man came in, sat down and said "Bless me Father for I have sinned...I cheated on my wife." the janitor found adultery on the list and said to the man,"Give me 4 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers." the man got up and left.

"This isn't too bad", thought the janitor. "I could do this every Sunday."

then a woman came in, sat down, and said "Bless me Father for I have sinned... I had anal and oral sex."so the janitor flipped through the list, flipped through again, and couldn't find anal or oral sex. He peeked out the door to see if the priest was coming back yet, and was about to sneak out, when an altar boy happened to walk by.

"Hey kid", whispered the janitor, "what does Father usually give for anal and oral sex?"

The altar boy looked at him and said,"2 candybars and a lollypop."

05/26/2005 - Old lady Democrat - good one!
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

05/24/2005 - Going Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year'

05/23/2005 - Indian Chief
An Indian Chief went down to the local trading post and the storekeeper asked him what he needed. "Me needum butt wipe paper". "Well Chief", the storekeeper said "we have 2 kinds". "The first one is Charmin and it's a buck a roll", "but we have this other no-name brand that's only 25 cents a roll" "Me takum no-name" the Chief says.

A week later the Chief goes back to the trading post and tells the shopkeeper, "Me haveum name for that paper". "Yeah Chief what's the name" the storekeeper asks. "Me callum John Wayne" the Chief replies. "John Wayne" says the storekeeper, "why's that"? The Chief replies" this paper's rough and tough and take no shit offun Indian".

05/22/2005 - Some big ass hole joke
A guy was driving down the road doing 90 mph . When he passed a police officer at the end of a bridge doing radar. Needless to say he got pulled over.

The officer walks up to the car and ask; 'do you know how fast you were going?' The man says 'yes, but I'm on my way to work and I'm running late'. The officer says well your job must be pretty important to risk getting a ticket for. What do you do for a living? The man replies I'm an asshole stretcher. The officer says what's an asshole stretcher? The guys says I stick my hands up peoples assholes and stretch them to make them bigger.

Bigger says the officer. What do you do with a big asshole? Why you stick a radar gun in his hand and sit him at the end of a bridge of course.

05/21/2005 - Not another blonde joke, adult joke
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, " Before
you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200
lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.  What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a
weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and shes a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks for a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have explain it five times!"

05/20/2005 - Iraqi stuff.. funny adult joke
Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Bush visits England - Dirty Joke : 05/19/2005
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

05/25/2005 - See Funny Pics

Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

New York Lawyer - funny adult joke
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
-Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
-The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

-Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
-Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
-The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

-Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
-Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
-Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Duct Tape - funny adult joke
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

Home from the Air Force
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

Check your Dirty IQ! NO PEEKING FOLKS!!!
Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?


Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

Loving on the Lawn - damn funny adult joke
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

05/25/2005 - See Funny Pics